The Continuing Adventures of the Fez-o-rama Shipping Llamas!
Welcome gentle reader, to your monthly llama update. If that sentence makes no sense to you let me explain: Fez-O-Rama employs shipping llamas. They're a rare breed of animal that is both truly dedicated to their job and also llamas. Every month we will be bringing you some of the true tales of the Fez-O-Rama fez delivering llamas that deliver fezzes! But, you may ask, how can we do that? Llamas are secretive and keep their diaries close to the vest. That's true. But we have thumbs. Huzzah! Our first report comes from Ernest Fezingway: Dear Diary, Ever been to Australia? I had not. Not before this. It's far. Not moon far, but far. I was given a box, a map and a pat on the head. I asked for scotch. I was given a pat on the head. This is my life. -Ernest Dear Diary, Grabbed a motorbike to head out to the coast. Sadly an ocean prevents driving the rest of the way. Will have to think of something new. I thought of many ways to cross an ocean - boat, plane, boat… plane… all right there are really two ways to do it. Boat, I knew, would take too long. So I snuck into an airport (I won't mention which for their sake. Would you like it if your local airport allowed llamas to sneak in? No.) and crawled into some luggage. Mrs. Crabindle would do without her pantsuits for her vacation, I decided. Besides - I had a fez to deliver. Still, will sleep now while we cross an ocean. More later. -Ernest Dear Diary, Not much to say about the flight. I'm sure it was pretty. Me - I was inside luggage. Without scotch. Hooray? -Ernest Dear Diary, I just saw Australia for the first time. It's pretty big, folks. It's also upside down. …no it isn't. I made that part up. I promise. My goal was Alphington, which is a suburb of Melbourne. Now let me tell you something else about Australia. They grow insects the size of tourist busses. I had to fight off a few bugs the size of, well, me, just while walking down the street. The locals laughed. They told me not to worry about it. They offered me a beer. I hid out for a few days and studied my maps. Also - hid from bugs. -Ernest Dear Diary, I left for my destination. It sat only a short walk away, as it turned out. Still, I had to get there with giant bugs following me like a Harryhousen film. I rang the bell to deliver the fez, handed it off and then ran. Did I mention the giant insects? I'm pretty sure I did. One of them stole my fez. So if you see a spider the size of a VW Bug with a fez smack it for me. Thanks. -Ernest Well, after that harrowing tale from Ernest we all shuddered a bit back at Fez-O-Rama HQ. I mean, we shuddered in a totally not-really-scared sort of way. Not scared. At all. Of giant bugs. DEAR LORD! Well, after checking every inch of the llamas dwelling for bugs, I grabbed Fez Scott Fezgerald's journal to page through. He'd recently been to France and we all wanted the details… Yo, journal! I got a delivery today that will take me to France! The land of love, the birthplace of jaunty berets, a fine place to explore and nap in. I wish I spoke French. I have to get to 44400 Rezé which just sounded pretty cool. Also like it might be somewhere spies meet. I should find a plane… lemme go do that! -Fezzy Yo, journal! I got to France all right, though waiting to sneak on a plane and then past customs took a while. But I made it! Still, France is where they could keep spies and that makes me wonder. You never know, though, who a spy is, do you? It's worse still when you don't speak the language. I mean did that guy in the trench coat ask for a biscotti or did he say that the eagle takes a powernap at midnight while the ferret runs wild? Yes, you might lean toward biscotti since that's what the waiter brought him, but you can't know for sure is all I'm saying. I asked for directions and then asked for them again in English. Then I realized the guy was just babbling at me because apparently he hadn't expected a fez wearing llama to ask for directions. Mental note: Buy better maps for the office. Off to find my way! -Fezzy Yo, Journal, France is really pretty but was laid out, road-wise, by someone who was busy doing something else at the time. I can understand it, they were busy thinking about how pretty France would be when it was done. Or something. I was, of course, on time in the end but on my way back decided to visit the Eifel Tower. Sadly I'm not a fan of heights so I had trouble getting down. And when I say "had trouble," I mean I'm writing this from the top of it right now. I think I need to call dispatch and get a pick-up… -Fezzy Fezzy got his pick-up, and we won't pass those costs on to you, we promise. Though we do invite you to think about how much it costs to charter a rescue plane to France for a llama. Worth it! We love the fez delivering llamas that delivers fezzes and they love to bring you the finest fezzes around! Well, we're out of time for this month, but come back next time to find out even more totally true, harrow fez delivering tales! I'm your loyal chronicler… -Adam P. Knave The Fez-O-Rama Shipping Lama Adventures are written by Adam P. Knave, author of STRANGE ANGEL, I SLEPT WITH YOUR IMAGINARY FRIEND and STAYS CRUNCHY IN MILK, as well as one of the editors of Image comics Harvey and Eisner award winning POPGUN anthology. You can find him at http://www.adampknave.com or on Twitter @adampknave should you want. He likes the idea of llamas wearing fezzes a bit too much, if you ask us.