It’s time for a slightly late llama update! We apologize for the delay, but can assure you it was
a llama’s fault. Yes, it’s true. It turns out that llamas do not think it is funny when you tell them
you’ll get them pizza and then don’t actually get them any pizza. They have a way of getting…
revenge. Anyway! As always here’s the deal: Fez-O-Rama employs shipping llamas. They’re a
rare breed of animal that is both truly dedicated to their job and also llamas. Every month we
will be bringing you some of the true tales of the Fez-O-Rama fez delivering llamas that deliver
fezzes! But, you may ask, how can we do that? Llamas are secretive and keep their diaries close
to the vest. That’s true. But we have thumbs. Huzzah!
Let’s start this month with a few entries from Fez Scott Fezgerald:
Had to head out with another bunch of Mignola fezzes. That really is a popular item, and I’ve
been pressed into Mignola delivery. Which sounds like I would be delivering ancient cursed
items, but no, still fezzes. Which is good, because who wants to deliver cursed items, really?
Headed out to Atlanta with a Mignola fez, in fact. Atlanta, which is not, as I thought the invoice
first read, Atlantis. Disappointing. I thought I would finally get to see Atlantis. The other llamas
say it doesn’t exist. What do they know?
Atlanta is hot. Also very rainy, leading me to wonder if this is Atlantis. No worries! I’ll be fine.
I bought along diving gear just in case. Of course when a guy saw me, and I asked him for
directions, he looked really confused at a sweaty llama in a diving helmet asking him if it was a
left or right at the next intersection.
Delivering all of these makes me realize – I would like a Screw-On Head. What can I say, I’m
a fan of Mignola. These long truck rides give you a lot of reading time. One guy near a bar
called The Highlander offered to give me a Screw-On Head but it sounded like something vastly
different than what I wanted so I declined. By “declined” I mean “ran away really fast.”
I’m taking the long way back to Fez-O-Rama HQ because I snuck another delivery out of the
stack for myself. Get this, it’s going to a place called Skokie, Illinois. Skokie. I could like in
Skokie, if they let me just say the name all day.
Wandering rthe streets of Skokie I found out that the residents do not apprciate it if you
chant “Skokie” over and over and over again. Will be heading home soon.
Well folks, after reading Fezzy’s accounts all we can say is: Skokie. So, with that in mind, we
turn to a few entries from the one, the only, Maya Tassleou, Tassy had quite the adventure it
I declare! I have the most wonderful adventure planned. I get to go to Finland. Land of the Fins.
And Hanoi Rocks. I must admit to being a huge Hanoi Rocks fan, even if the others don’t believe
it. Well, also Sibelius. Yes, indeed, Finland is a place of goodness. I can’t wait.
I spent my plane ride studying for my time in Finland. Some find this useless, because we do not
truly spend much time in the locales we deliver to, but I truly and deeply consider it to be part
of the job. We should connect with our deliveries, and know them. For example I am going to
Espoo. Fezzy laughed and kept repeating the name as if it were the funniest thing he had ever
heard. Yes, I giggled, but Espoo sounds like a wonderful place.
Espoo is actually the second largest city in Finland. Which meant that since I do not partake of
the Finnish tongue, I found myself lucky that Espoo I had read that Espoo is officially bi-lingual.
Sadly it turns out that the languages are Finnish and Swedish. I can not manage along in either.
This lead to a lot of foot waving and drawing of maps on the ground.
A few days in and I have gotten slightly lost. I did get to see the coat of arms of Espoo however,
a pretty horse shoe and crown affair. Very regal and speaks well of their feelings toward animals.
That must be why they were so helpful. Yes. That would have to be it. I plan to thank their
government in a letter I shall write once I arrive home.
Fez delivery accomplished! Now to find my way home. Perhaps with a detour to see a concert or
two. Who would notice?
We noticed, Tassy, but that’s ok. She got home eventually and had tour t-shirts for all of us.
Well, by all of us I mean “she kept them but let us look.” When I asked if she saw Movits!, Tassy
glared and reminded me that they were a Swedish band, not Finnish. This, folks, is why the
llamas deliver fezzes and not, say, me.
-Adam P. Knave
The Fez-O-Rama Shipping Lama Adventures are written by Adam P. Knave, author of
STRANGE ANGEL, I SLEPT WITH YOUR IMAGINARY FRIEND and STAYS CRUNCHY
IN MILK, as well as one of the editors of Image comics Harvey and Eisner award winning
POPGUN anthology. You can find him at http://www.adampknave.com or on Twitter
@adampknave should you want. He likes the idea of llamas wearing fezzes a bit too much, if you